Childsupport: The Great Debate

I listened in on a radio broadcast where the topic was about child support. I know this is a touchy topic, but it amazed me on how the majority of the male callers boldly stated that they feel the money they provide for child support should go directly to the child, i.e. clothes, school supplies, etc. and nothing else. There was only one male caller who chimed in and actually had a very realistic and mature view about his child support and how his ex-wife should use it. He made it clear that she's to use the money in anyway that requires her to take care of his children, which yes, even paying bills with it. I was praising that brother with so many "Amens" that you would think I was sitting in on a Sunday service.

I know that there are a lot of men out there that feel if they are paying child support that there is nothing else they need to provide for the child, be it new shoes or even Christmas presents. And these are the same men who also feel that women only use the child support money for themselves and not on the kids. Now, yes...there are some trifling women who take the money and run with it, but they do not make up the majority of us who receives child support and uses it correctly.

Before my daughter started Kindergarten, 90% of the monthly support I received went to cover her childcare costs. So, guess who was left with buying her clothes year-round, co-pays for doctor visits, birthday and Christmas presents, etc.? And yes the excess money did/does goes into my gas tank because the last time I check Honda Accords don't run on air. My car serves as a taxi taking her to and from, here and there. And the last time I checked, the law does require me to have lights on in the house, proper heating and cooling and food in the fridge, so yes, child support money does and will continue to take care of these incidentals as well. These men know that if a woman had their kids wearing the newest Sean John or Baby Phat for kids, but sitting in the dark without anything to eat, they'll be ready to kill someone. So, why do they trip about how the money is spent?

I know some of you are saying that I should be grateful that I'm receiving child support because a lot of women aren't; and you know what? You're right. I am grateful because raising a child is expensive and every little bit helps. Truth be told, there have been times when I just wouldn't have been able to provide for my little one had I not received support; which is the point I'm trying to make.

However, please believe that if I did not receive a dime, my daughter would still be taken care of. My mother raised two children without a husband or any type of support. ( Getting money every month? Please!) And I know there are women who are doing the same thing, so I pay homage to all single mothers, rather they receive support or not, because at the end of the day, there's no number or price that can be placed over our children's heads. We're going to maintain, survive and take care of our blessings regardless.

And the church says, "Aaaaaaaa-men".

A Father's Time: Quantity vs. Quality

I will never forget the day I had an impromptu and quite uncomfortable conversation with my daughter's father during our last family court hearing. At the very end of your discussion, I told him that I will always keep the door open for him to see his daughter whenever he was ready to. Trying to do what's best for my daughter, I stood by those words. After years of being absent from her life, he finally made the call to declare his fatherhood, if you will, and said that he was ready to see his little girl for the first time. I took that opportunity to tell him that under no circumstances will he be allowed to come and go as he pleases. Being a victim of a part-time father, I know the ramifications of not having my father play a consistent role in my life. My mother was (and is) a great mother, but there's no substitution for a father. There's just an empty piece that every little girl has within her when her daddy isn't around. I know for a fact that his absence contributed to me making so many bad decisions when it came down to men, from my teenage days right into adulthood; and I'm not going to subject my daughter to that.


Once the first visit was over, McKennah's father did attempt to see her every other day, but because specific boundaries and proper expectations weren't set, it just didn't work. A base structure was needed. Time has passed and he gets her once every other weekend. So, what's the problem, you ask? The time is so short lived. From a mother's perspective, the weekend visits are wonderful, but it's not enough. Come on, we're talking about approximately 3 days a month she spends with him. Hello?! Do you see where I'm coming from now?



I feel like the visits would be more fulfilling if they were supplemented by, I don't know....phone calls during the week, eating lunch with her occasionally at school, attending her dance practices/recitals, etc. When it comes down to it, maybe I'm struggling with deciding what's more important: the amount of time a father spends with his child(ren) or how time is spend with them. For the record, yes, I am very glad that he's around and that she knows her father, so I guess I will continue to leave well-enough alone, for the sake of my baby girl. Speaking of which, she's calling me, so until next time....

Five years later - A reflection

I made the decision to start a blog because I have so much to say. Even though I'm working on a book, it's just taking too long and I have five years of pain and happiness that I want to share. I guess in today's age and time it's not crazy to put parts of your life on the World Wide Web, so I'm going to jump into this using the common sense God gave me and faith that this whole blog thing works out.



As I look back over my life, I can say without hesitation that I made my share of mistakes. I made bad choices and put myself in crazy situations, but through God's grace, I survived. Look at me and you'll see that it's true that God does look out for fools and babies! Oh Lord....that stories I could tell about the dumb things I took part in, but that's 'a whole nother' blog! LOL! If there's one thing that I'm most proud of is my decision to keep my baby almost six years ago. She was conceived in the most unpleasant situation, but the moment that I looked at those two blue lines that screamed that I was pregnant, I knew that I was going to swallow my pride and take care of my responsibility. Damn, I made a good decision because I was chosen to mother a beautiful, little girl who I named McKennah. Just as her name is soft, different (by my culture's standard b/c Jamariquana just wasn't an option) and graceful, so is my baby. I just wish that the circumstances surrounding my pregnancy was just as such.



I remember how hard and upsetting it was for me to lug loads of laundry downstairs and around my apartment building when I was pregnant. And how much I wish I had a husband to sit in on my doctor's appointment, rub my belly while watching TV and running to the store to get me some watermelon to satisfy my cravings. But, that wasn't the case...at all! Aside from my mom, sister and a few close friends, I went through my pregnancy alone. What made things that much more unbearable was the fact that I worked with my daughter's father (sorry but I despise the term 'babydaddy") Ok, talk about awkward! That was some craziness, but I carried myself with respect and grace, and honey talk about patience! I should've gotten the Noble Peace Prize because a sister was noble for being gracious enough not to bash his windshield in, at peace because I accepted my situation and realized that I was carrying a wonderful prize in my little belly. But, I couldn't be 100% mad at him because I fell for the ookie-dok and spread my legs open. You know I'm right. Don't sit there and act like I'm the only one who did that! LOL



Seriously, years have passed and he eventually came around, but I still have hardships and frustrations of raising my daughter with a part-time father. The shit ain't fun, plain and simple. I can't help to think how things would've been if I did things the right way and waited to get married and then have a child, you know? So, I pose this simple question to you - if you could do it all over again - the right way- would you? Tell me how you feel.