I will never forget the day I had an impromptu and quite uncomfortable conversation with my daughter's father during our last family court hearing. At the very end of your discussion, I told him that I will always keep the door open for him to see his daughter whenever he was ready to. Trying to do what's best for my daughter, I stood by those words. After years of being absent from her life, he finally made the call to declare his fatherhood, if you will, and said that he was ready to see his little girl for the first time. I took that opportunity to tell him that under no circumstances will he be allowed to come and go as he pleases. Being a victim of a part-time father, I know the ramifications of not having my father play a consistent role in my life. My mother was (and is) a great mother, but there's no substitution for a father. There's just an empty piece that every little girl has within her when her daddy isn't around. I know for a fact that his absence contributed to me making so many bad decisions when it came down to men, from my teenage days right into adulthood; and I'm not going to subject my daughter to that.
Once the first visit was over, McKennah's father did attempt to see her every other day, but because specific boundaries and proper expectations weren't set, it just didn't work. A base structure was needed. Time has passed and he gets her once every other weekend. So, what's the problem, you ask? The time is so short lived. From a mother's perspective, the weekend visits are wonderful, but it's not enough. Come on, we're talking about approximately 3 days a month she spends with him. Hello?! Do you see where I'm coming from now?
I feel like the visits would be more fulfilling if they were supplemented by, I don't know....phone calls during the week, eating lunch with her occasionally at school, attending her dance practices/recitals, etc. When it comes down to it, maybe I'm struggling with deciding what's more important: the amount of time a father spends with his child(ren) or how time is spend with them. For the record, yes, I am very glad that he's around and that she knows her father, so I guess I will continue to leave well-enough alone, for the sake of my baby girl. Speaking of which, she's calling me, so until next time....
Friday, November 14, 2008
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2 comments:
Well, I think baby steps. If you have consistent visits than that is better than ZERO visits. As long as you keep inviting him to the events that your daughter is having eventually he will come around to more events.
As she grows older, your daughter will invite him personally and perhaps it will be harder for him to say no. Just stick with it. It may take a bit of time, but hang in there.
Or, an idea could be that if your daughter has dance practice or a parent teacher conference, he has to attend one per month in addition to the regular weekend visits. Remember baby steps.
Baby steps...Ok, I guess I can see where you're coming from. I guess I just don't see why it's like pulling teeth to get someone to be there for their child. I have an issue with asking, begging or nagging anyone to do anything for me or my child, so for me to have to run behind him to get him to do something so important for this child bothers me. But, I do understand where you're coming from.
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